This a moving essay Jay. I'm so sorry people let you down and I'd like to apologize on their behalf. Please know that no human (including all Christians) have all the answers or say everything the way it should be said. Sin is actually just falling short of who we are trying to beome. The worst thing about Christianity is Christians (we are all sinners).

Here's what helps me: Culture means "the cult of what you worship" and everyone in the world makes someone or something No. 1 on their priority list. Whatever you put about all else (your No. 1) becomes your "god."

This might explain why the 10 commandments are written in order of priority with the first three being about who/what you worship. So if God isn't at the top of your list (or if you don't yet know Him or believe), someone or something else takes His place as the new "top priority.'' Similarly, if you don't believe in a devil, someone or something else assumes the position of your "new devil'' or worst person/thing you in the world.

We rarely talk of fear in my church (mostly about God being love and Truth itself ) but I did hear this just now: A wise man said that he trusts in God because when he fears disappointing God, he fears nothing and no one else in the Universe. But when he allows himself to not worry about God, the man said he found himself worrying about everything -- everything. Keep writing and doing what you do Jay and I pray you will find the answers you seek and the community where you will feel home.