Beautiful essay and I am so sorry for the pain you have felt when betrayed. But know that pain is also often for our gain: No Cross, No Crown. This is the key sentence: Jesus KNEW Judas was betraying Him and yet, Jesus and the Father were also using Judas to advance God's Plan (everything happens for a reason, everyone of us has a role to play). So note, Jesus still calls Judas "friend" because we are taught to love even our enemies, knowing they too are there for a reason, that they too can (unknowingly) help us, helping advance the Kingdom and God's Glorious Plan. Nice job. Keep writing: you are blessed.